Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Whatever You're Doing Inside Of Me
"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something heavenly."
Have you always considered yourself to be one kind of person, only to find out that you are not that person at all?
I thought I was a good friend to my coworkers. Surely, that would remain after I left my job. But six months and several attempts to make contact, and I realized that we were not friends after all.
I thought I was a cheerful, positive person. I can see now where that was only a mask hiding my insecurity.
I thought I was a fun person, the kind that other people would want to pal around with. I've learned that being a genuine imperfect person is more important than accumulating friends.
I thought I was a generous person, the kind of person that likes to give. Apparently, I'm not as generous as I thought I was.
I thought I was a supportive family member, only to find out that others consider me a hindrance and not a help.
"Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will or
Just climbing aimlessly over these hills?"
Convicted. That's how I've felt this year. Totally self-conscious and laid bare. Unable to utter a careless word without God pointing it out to me. Not a morsel of gossip. Not a bad thought. Not a single selfish act. Not a whining, complaining moment has slipped by that I haven't felt the weight of my brokenness.
"Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breath in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears"
I thought I knew who I was, based on my relationship to others. This year, I have learned who I am all alone. Broken. Crushed in spirit. In need of a Savior.
"Whatever you're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly."
lyrics from Sanctus Real "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)"