Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Whatever You're Doing Inside Of Me

"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something heavenly."

Have you always considered yourself to be one kind of person, only to find out that you are not that person at all?

I thought I was a good friend to my coworkers. Surely, that would remain after I left my job. But six months and several attempts to make contact, and I realized that we were not friends after all.

I thought I was a cheerful, positive person. I can see now where that was only a mask hiding my insecurity.

I thought I was a fun person, the kind that other people would want to pal around with. I've learned that being a genuine imperfect person is more important than accumulating friends.

I thought I was a generous person, the kind of person that likes to give. Apparently, I'm not as generous as I thought I was.

I thought I was a supportive family member, only to find out that others consider me a hindrance and not a help.

"Time for a milestone, time to begin again,

Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will or
Just climbing aimlessly over these hills?"

Convicted. That's how I've felt this year. Totally self-conscious and laid bare. Unable to utter a careless word without God pointing it out to me. Not a morsel of gossip. Not a bad thought. Not a single selfish act. Not a whining, complaining moment has slipped by that I haven't felt the weight of my brokenness.

"Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breath in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears"

I thought I knew who I was, based on my relationship to others. This year, I have learned who I am all alone. Broken. Crushed in spirit. In need of a Savior.

"Whatever you're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly."

lyrics from Sanctus Real "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)"


  1. Oops...I posted my comments in the wrong spot. Tell Sam he made an awesome Skywalker!

  2. Mary Rose...I know I don't know you, but one of the reasons I enjoy reading your posts so much is that I can totally relate. I appreciate your honesty AND brokenness. I have often told my husband that you are someone that I think I would quite like in person. I pray that the peace of the Lord will guard your heart and that the fact that HE chose you will bring you comfort. Ephesians 1

  3. You have a friend in Australia!

  4. Mary Rose - I know that we don't know one another, but you cannot imagine how similar our lives are! Like you, I am finding out I am not the person I may have imagined myself to be. All of those things you wrote, are me, too. It is hard to realize these things about ourselves, but we know that if we "draw near to God, He will draw near to you" (James 4:8), and, that is the relationship that really matters. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. I liked the old you and I like the new you! So keep on keepin on. You're doing great! Love the new simplified style

  6. Sending {HUGS}.....We have a wonderful Christian women's group were I live and the first Thurs. of the month is called 1st Thur. Coffee and Inspiration at a lovely, funky coffee shop. I wish you lived could hang with us and laugh, give thanks, share, cry, and more....peace and happiness to your heart. allistamps123 from splitcoast

  7. Hugs from your new MO friend...although I feel like we've been friends forever! You are such a blessing and I can't wait everyday to check your blog for a lot of inspiration. You are a wonderful person and mom. I love your stories and I really wish you lived closer so we could craft often! You are loved by so many! May God continue to bless you! Julie H